"Inner"

"Where are you?! Speak now! I cannot hear you!" she shouted whining while seeking his voice. "Why did you go away? Why did you leave? I cannot do it myself! I need you like never before!" she said still whining and crying hard.

I now fully understand, that human ability and strength are just a glimpse of the big picture. It was Inner who was with me since then, it was Him from my childhood who taught me how to unhear deafening and loud voices and to listen to his easy voice. It was how Inner worked, it was not me, it was not about me and it will never be about me but, it was Him, it was Inner.

Flashback

"Look Wang, can you see that clouds?" He asked while I am lying on the fields clothed in wild grass and Bermuda. The clouds formed their perfect shape, and I can see small and big circles, oh! there are spirals and curls too! They're intact in the atmosphere as white as wool, as soft as cotton balls, and as bright as white bulbs of the night. " Can I reach it when I climb a stair?" he laughed at the thought. " Of course, you can! but now is not the right time since you don't have stairs!" I wondered about his answer, I know I cannot and it's impossible yet, He said I can. "What are you thinking Wang?" He asked. "I'm just wondering what will be my future, do you think I am going to reach that clouds using stairs?" He laughed hard again. "Don't think too much about it Wang, focus on what you have right now. Look at the beauty in everything, learn and observe everything, and do not forget to space out, make room for everything. I'm always here!" I was comforted by the thought.

End of flashback

Now I remember, I don't need to think too much about everything. I just need to enjoy and look at the beauty in it, but, how can I do that when everything's not that easy? I know and you know that chaos is everywhere, you knew it since then but I'm amazed! I think the only place where there is peace is here! here inside! I am pointing my chest can't you see it? Whew! I wanna go here inside and live but it's impossible, right? However, I'm still glad.

I'm now in a state of swearing off everything, but I need to be persistent. Do you know why? My situation's not that worst compared to billions of people in the whole world, compared to people living out there in the streets, the audacity! Well, that's what He taught me. It's still fresh in my mind, the things He said. I have lived my life with no regrets and ignored negativities in my life! I have changed course twice because I failed but Inner was the one who motivated me to push through and to take a specific course, well, I didn't have any idea about this thing and to be honest I wasn't really into this. Well, everything went well according to his will and I started to love this course. The only thing I need to be serious about is maintaining how to be passionate and consistent in doing everything. It was Inner as well who told me to apply for a specific job after I graduated, you know what, I got this personality of being stubborn but when it comes to Inner, I cannot resist! Lucky Him! I apologize for these long errands of mine and now, let's get straight to the point!

Flashback

"Congratulations Wang! I knew you will get that job!" Inner said, "But, what's with the sad face?" he asked, " Do you think I am capable of this job? look, I don't even know how to do it! What if I fail? I think I cannot do it" I said and he became silent for some minutes. " Why you aren't saying anything?" I asked. " It wasn't given to you if you cannot handle it Wang, where's your confidence? You are not you and suppose to be we are celebrating your success...," "Aarrgggghhhh! There you go again, alright! Time to have a great dinner!" I said as I went straight ahead to my car. I heard him laugh and I realized that he was right from the start, I need to bring back the confidence and just trust the task that was given to me because I can do it, if it was meant for me then it is really for me. This is where you will meet new people and learn new things. It will benefit your part, the people around you, and your growth as well. I smiled at the thought, "It's me against the world so let's break a leg!"

End of Flashback

How overwhelming right? How about you? Do you give up easily? Are you confident? Hahaha...! I sounded like a motivational speaker. That job went well, and after 2 months I got promoted, see? How fast and impossible everything happened. I was so grateful to Inner, I couldn't ask for more. I built my own house 35 minutes away from work, the place is near the mountains but still within the city and I got a car for transportation. Anyway, have you ever done things according to your own will and plan? Well, I call it stubbornness and compromise, I know it's against your idea and it contradicts the idea of free will but sad to say I also have free will. If you are asking me why well, all I can say is, I did things according to my own will and plan and they all FAILED! I was really angry, discouraged, and hopeless but still stubborn. Cool! hahaha! How lucky I was to have Inner in my life, lucky Him!

Flashback

There was this time, this traumatic experience, it was painful, really painful. My tongue stops me from releasing these words. I don't know how to overcome it, I need help. My tears keep falling as I am writing these things. I did what I could in my own strength, I tend to accept and swallow my pride as I accept the corrections but it was painful. I need to cry to release these things, I need you Inner, how to overcome? help me to overcome my unbelief and fear. I can feel the burden I am causing, I can feel that they are concerned yet they don't know how to tell me. I feel and I discern to the point that even I can't say or put it into words. Is this normal? I don't feel myself at all.

End of Flashback

It was a very long time since I didn't write again. A very long time that I didn't notice that I have this work to finish. As I was reading everything, I told myself it's been a very long time of being busy in everything and forgot that I have this passion to write. I forgot already the things that I love to do. lucky me for being not get hired in a university coz for sure this baby inside will get stressed too. I am so blessed, beyond blessed since the day Inner told me that "I choose him" I did not doubt but at the same time everything was really overwhelming. Another set of training ground. Another set of growing and learning things out. Everything was so exciting yet overwhelming. "You will always find joy in this journey Wang" Inner told me.